If my demands are not met, I shall proceed with the systematic extinction of a whole series of cereals and livestock all across the world.

There's been a minor piece of Bond 25 news lately, as apparently Neil Purvis & Robert Wade have been hired to write a script.  This has been met with horror in certain quarters, because apparently we've reached the stage where Spectre is the worst film ever made; a film can no longer just be "not very good", it has to be apocalyptically awful.  Somehow, Purvis & Wade are to blame for Spectre's failures, which seems unfair since they were the last people brought on board.  Personally I'd blame John Logan, because many of the criticisms of Spectre - its fan-wankery, its attempts to answer questions that no-one ever posed, its refusal to ever stop - could also be levelled at Logan's Star Trek Nemesis.

James Bond is incredibly hard to write, as anyone who's read my fanfic While England's Dreaming will attest.  Each Bond film or novel needs to be exactly the same as the one before and also completely different to the one before; it needs to be extremely modern and yet still hark back to the fifties and sixties; it needs to present a modern rounded character who is somehow also just a blunt instrument.  Few people can do it, which is why the same names keep turning up - Richard Maibaum, Tom Mankiewicz, Michael G Wilson, Bruce Feirstein and, yes, Purvis & Wade.  If they can take this formula and make it fresh and interesting time and again, then by all means, keep returning to them.  Mickey and Babs are smart enough to know that they can get the old reliables to knock up a framework and then bring in a John Logan or a Jez Butterworth or a Paul Haggis to spice it up.

Having said all that, I do have a few requests, and as someone who occasionally knocks out a Bond blog which is read by literally ones of people, I feel that Purvis & Wade should listen to me.  So here's what I'd like to see in Bond 25.

1.  No sign of Madeline Swann.

She's dead, she's missing, she just got bored; whatever.  Use another bit of leftover Fleming and have her run off to America with a US Embassy attache.  I don't care.  Lea Seydoux is a lovely actress, and she did her best, but Madeline was just boring.  She reminds me of Harriet Horner or Flicka von Grusse, Bond Girls created by later writers who James Bond supposedly considers on a romantic par with Vesper and Tracy.  They're not.  Give it up.  Don't kill her in the pre-titles and have Bond go out for revenge for the rest of the film.  In fact...

2.  Don't make it personal.

By my count, the last film where Bond didn't have some kind of deep personal reason for fighting the villain was The Living Daylights, thirty years ago.  Since then, there's always been a certain level of betrayal or revenge and I'm bored of it.  James Bond is a civil servant whose job happens to include a lot of sex and violence.  Do that.  His motivation should only be that a crime is to be committed against the UK or the world.  That's plenty.  Turn up at MI6, get your assignment, then bugger off to Hong Kong or Seville or wherever and kill some people before they kill us.  Speaking of which...

3.  Enough of the Scooby Gang.

Bond is a lone figure.  He has few friends and fewer emotional attachments.  And part of the glory of a Bond film or book is seeing him manage to overcome the odds all on his own.  Spectre, though, had him being aided by M, Q, Moneypenny and Tanner, with Bond's hunt for Madeline being paralleled with the MI6 crew stopping Moriarty.  No.  I get that when you've got actors of the calibre of Fiennes et al on staff, you want to use them, but no.  A bit of help is fine - we all love it when Q turns up in the Bahamas - but beyond that, stop.  M can give Bond the assignment.  Moneypenny can pine hopelessly.  Tanner can... do something.  If Bond needs help then...

4.  Bring back Felix Leiter.

I never thought I'd be advocating more Leiter, but Jeffrey Wright is great as Felix, and he's barely been in these films.  If you want Bond to have someone to talk to and to work with, that's Felix's job.  If you can't get Jeffrey Wright back again, then feel free to create an ally for whatever country Bond is in.  A new Mathis, a new Vijay, a new Tanaka.  You can even kill him if you want to go really traditional; it'll make the baddie look even badder.  As would...

5.  Give the villain a proper scheme.

Daniel Craig's fought four villains and only one - Dominic Greene - had a proper, Bond movie Evil Scheme.  (One which is sadly foggy in the finished film).  Le Chiffre was just cleaning up a mess of his own creation, Silva just wanted to kill M, and Blofeld just wanted to get his hands on a lot of information.  Boring.  I'm guessing we're never again going to see a Bond baddie try to eradicate the entire population of the earth, but how about an ambitious plan to do something properly nefarious?  Create a war for some reason.  Hold a country to ransom.  Threaten something with destruction.  Something with a nice big ticking clock and a fight against the odds.  And if it involves two huge armies fighting in a secret underground base, all the better.  In other words...

6.  Make a Bond film.

Finally, please, give in and make a Bond film.  Have Bond actually enjoy his job.  Have a couple of beautiful girls: one dies, one lives, no-one falls in love.  Have some outrageous stunts.  Have some jokes.  Have lots of jokes.  Make it fun and exciting and entertaining.  I know you're worried it might go a bit A View To A Kill, but it might go a bit GoldenEye.  It might go a bit Spy Who Loved Me.  It might go a bit World Is Not Enough.  Make a Bond film, not an action movie with James Bond in it.  It'd just be nice.

Or, you know, ignore everything I've said and make exactly what you want to make.  Let's face it; you've already got my money, so who cares what I think?

James Bond's Greatest Hits

Singing a Bond theme is an honour.  It's a privilege.  It should be one of the highlights of your career; admission into a select band of artistes.

As such, as far as I'm concerned, there is an absolute: put your Bond theme on your Greatest Hits.  I don't care if you're a "serious" artist, I don't care if it didn't actually do as well as some of your other tracks.  You sang the theme to a James Bond film; it is a career high point.

Does every performer do this, though?  I decided to have a whizz through some of the Greatest Hits albums available on Amazon, and see if the singers in question have kept their end of the bargain.  There will be harsh stares if they haven't.

Artist: Matt Monro
Song: From Russia With Love
Album: The Very Best of Matt Monro
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES

That album is absolutely worth buying, by the way.  He's a fantastic crooner.

Artist: Shirley Bassey
Songs: Goldfinger, Diamonds Are Forever, Moonraker
Album: The Greatest Hits: This Is My Life
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES

Well, obviously.  She IS The Voice Of Bond, after all.

Artist: Tom Jones
Song: Thunderball
Album: Greatest Hits
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES

Did you know Tom fainted when he did that final end note?  No?  In that case, welcome to Earth, recently-arrived alien.

Artist: Nancy Sinatra
Song: You Only Live Twice
Album: The Very Best of Nancy Sinatra
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES

It's lucky they could find space to squeeze YOLT on there, what with Nancy's many, many other hits *side eye*

Artist: Louis Armstrong
Song: We Have All The Time In The World
Album: The Very Best of Louis Armstrong
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES

You could legitimately make a case that a legend like Louis Armstrong didn't need to include the underperforming We Have All The Time In The World, but there it is.

Artist: Paul McCartney and Wings
Song: Live and Let Die
Album: Wings Greatest
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES

I always liked that Macca.

Artist: Lulu
Song: The Man With The Golden Gun
Album: Erm...
Is The Bond Theme There?: Sort of.

It seems that Lulu has a somewhat complicated history of "Greatest Hits".  Her work with various different record companies means that songs are scattered all over the place.  The top hit on Amazon, Greatest Hits, doesn't have TMWTGG.  But it also doesn't have The Man Who Sold The World or Boom Bang-A-Bang or Independence.  The next one, Best of, has TMWTGG and The Man Who Sold The World, but there's no To Sir With Love or Boom Bang-a-Bang or Independence.  The third hit, also called The Best Of, has all those songs... but no The Man With The Golden Gun.  I think we're going to have to give Lulu a "could do better".  Sort it out, woman.

Artist: Carly Simon
Song: Nobody Does It Better
Album: Nobody Does It Better: The Very Best of Carly Simon
Is The Bond Theme There?: Clue's in the title, folks.

I did have a minor panic, because the very first hit on Amazon is for The Best of Carly Simon, which doesn't include Nobody Does It Better.  The shock of this sent me to Wikipedia, where I discovered that album was in fact released in 1975.  Phew.

Artist: Sheena Easton
Song: For Your Eyes Only
Album: The Best of Sheena Easton
Is The Bond Theme There?: NO

Even though I'm pretty sure the cover art is from the publicity for her Bond Theme, Sheena doesn't include For Your Eyes Only on her Best Of.  RUDE.  However, I think this may be another Lulu-esque rights issue, because a different Greatest Hits, The Gold Collection, does have FYEO on it.  Meanwhile I'm wondering how Sheena Easton can have more than one Greatest Hits collection.

Artist: Rita Coolidge
Song: All Time High
Album: 20th Century Masters - The Millennium Collection: Rita Coolidge
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES

Of course it's on there.  In fact, there's a 1993 collection that's actually called All Time High.

Artist: Duran Duran
Song: A View To A Kill
Album: Greatest
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES

Track 3, in fact, ahead of many of their bigger hits.

Artist: a-ha
Song: The Living Daylights
Album: Time and Again: The Ultimate a-ha
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES

It seems that in the years between recording the song and releasing their Greatest Hits, a-ha have mellowed towards their Bond theme: the version on this album is John Barry's mix, not the far more synth-heavy version they petulantly put on Stay On These Roads.

Artist: Gladys Knight
Song: Licence To Kill
Album: The Greatest Hits
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES

This is slightly complicated by Gladys's work with the Pips; most of the Best Of collections cover her work as a group, with maybe an odd solo effort.  This album seems to have the best of both worlds.  Unfortunately I'm not sure if it's the long mix from the LTK soundtrack or the superior single mix.

Artist: Tina Turner
Song: GoldenEye
Album: All The Best
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES

Tina's a classy lady.  Of course she'll include her Bond theme.

Artist: Sheryl Crow
Song: Tomorrow Never Dies
Album: The Very Best of Sheryl Crow
Is The Bond Theme There?: NO

I know Sheryl wasn't over keen on her Bond theme, but really?  On an album with 17 tracks, there wasn't room for Tomorrow Never Dies?  Compounding the omission is the fact that this is the "UK/Japan" version, and TND was one of her bigger hits in those countries.  How dare you, Ms Crow.  This is just further evidence that Surrender should have been the title song.

Artist: Garbage
Song: The World Is Not Enough
Album: Absolute Garbage
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES

SEE, SHERYL?  TWINE isn't a typical Garbage song, but they still put it on THEIR Greatest Hits.  They're CLASSY like that.

Artist: Madonna
Song: Die Another Day
Album: Celebration
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES but see below

There were two versions of Celebration: a single disc version and a 2 CD version.  DAD doesn't make it to the single CD version, but for once, that seems fair enough: it's MADONNA.  Squeezing all her hits onto a single disc is difficult enough.  Die Another Day is on the two disc version (and is also on the earlier GHV2), and yet it still misses out True Blue and Causing a Commotion and Dear Jessie and Rain and other big Madge classics.  SEE SHERYL - MADONNA COULD'VE GOT AWAY WITH NOT INCLUDING HER BOND THEME AND YET SHE STILL STUCK IT ON THERE.

Artist: Chris Cornell
Song: You Know My Name
Album: The Roads We Chose
Is The Bond Theme There?: YES

Chris Cornell doesn't actually have a commercially available Greatest Hits album: The Roads We Chose was a promotional CD that received a very limited release.  But fair play, You Know My Name is on there.

And that's the end of the line, because Jack White, Alicia Keys, Adele and Sam Smith are yet to release Greatest Hits albums.  At a guess, I'd say Skyfall and Writing's On The Wall will take pride of place on their singers' Best Ofs, but Another Way To Die will be quietly skipped past; it's extremely atypical for both artists and, as a duet, it's not going to be as important as their solo work.  I hope I'm wrong.  Come on, Jack and Alicia.  Don't be a Sheryl.

PS: in case you was wondering, Patti Labelle's Greatest Hits does include If You Asked Me To, but The Pretenders, Eric Serra, k d lang and Scott Walker have left their Bond songs off their respective Best Of albums.  Somewhat bafflingly, I can find no record of a Tim Feehan Greatest Hits.

Lift List

The question of "who is the best James Bond?" is one that will never be answered.  There's enough difference between each of the six* actors to play the part to make comparisons irrelevant.  Daniel Craig lacks the lightness of touch to make Octopussy a success; the bored, overweight Connery of You Only Live Twice would have ruined On Her Majesty's Secret Service; acting novice George Lazenby would have been flummoxed by the rigours of Casino Royale.  They are very different men in very different films.

I am here to judge them on a very different criteria.  I have boarded a lift to the top of a very tall building, and a James Bond actor has got on the lift with me.  Halfway up, the elevator becomes stuck, and we realise that we are trapped there for several hours until help arrives.  Which James Bond actors would make this time fly, and which ones would make me lever open the doors and risk leaping down the shaft?  It is, in short, a judgement on the public personas of the actors, built up over my three decades of Bond fandom.  It's very personal, it might be completely wrong, but here are how I'd rate the 007s, from worst to best:

6.  George Lazenby

I genuinely believe that Lazenby regrets a lot of his arrogant behaviour on the set of OHMSS, and age and maturity will have certainly mellowed him over the decades.  He still seems like a bit of a self-centred arse though - ask Pam Shriver - and he'd almost inevitably want to talk about his real estate empire in our elevator prison rather than, say, sharing filthy anecdotes about Telly Savalas.

5.  Pierce Brosnan

I have long had the impression that no-one, in any room, is as interesting to Pierce Brosnan as Pierce Brosnan himself.  Our hours together would almost inevitably be spent discussing Brosnan's paintings, his charity work, his acting training, his devotion to his craft, his house in Malibu, his cooking skills... If he did mention Bond, it'd be the fascinating story about how Goldfinger was the first film he ever saw.  Again.  I'd probably be asleep when the fire crews arrived.

4.  Sean Connery

This one's on a knife edge, because it very much depends what mood Sean's in when we get trapped together.  If it's the funny, rollicking Sean, the one that laughs and jokes and twinkles mischievously, then you could have a really good time.  However, as he's aged, the other Sean seems to be more common, the grouchy one who bangs on about taxation and Scottish independence and how awful everyone on The League of Extraordinary Gentleman was.  That would be absolute hell.  (There is a third option, where you get the Sean Connery who talks about golf, and in many ways that would be the worst Sean Connery of all).

3.  Daniel Craig

I have long maintained that Daniel Craig has a very sly, very dark sense of humour.  I bet he's a really good laugh after a few pints of beer, and he certainly seems to be well-respected by his peers which points to a good personality.  However, in the enclosed, airless environment of a trapped lift, jet black jokes about us plummeting to our deaths would quickly wear thin.

2.  Roger Moore

Obviously, Sir Rog is an absolute doll.  No-one who has ever spent more than five minutes with him has a bad word to say; indeed, if people don't get along with him, you judge them.  The problem is that lovely as he is, he has perfected a certain shtick, particularly in the last twenty years, which he will almost certainly wheel out.  Imagine the social awkwardness of maintaining a fixed grin as Moore wheels out the Jimmy Tarbuck/Pussy Galore "well, we don't go looking for it!" anecdote again.

1.  Timothy Dalton

Another actor who is, by all reports, an absolute sweetheart, Dalton has the advantage over Moore of a certain quiet shyness.  Time in the trapped lift would Tim would be less of a rollicking laugh fest, but would be more interesting, and his jokes and anecdotes would be unexpected and appreciated.  He also has a calmness that would mean you wouldn't get stressed or panicky.  The fact that the boy from Colwyn Bay is also my favourite 007 is pure coincidence.

*If forced to include the unofficial Bonds, David Niven would slot in between Daniel Craig, because that effervescent wit is never unwelcome, while Barry Nelson would go at the bottom of the list because, bless him, once you've asked about Peter Lorre and Stanley Kubrick, what else would you talk about?

Siren Song

Judging women is wrong, and ranking them in some kind of order is worse.  It's sexist and it's immoral and it's cheap.  What is this, 1973?  YOU MIGHT AS WELL BRING BACK BENNY HILL YOU MONSTER.

Now I've got that out the way, I'm going to totally do it.  The Siren sequence in Moonraker is a weird moment in an already out-there movie.  But while other strange sequences involve odd gadgets or misfiring humour or bird life expressing amazement at a hovercraft, the Siren sequence stands out for its dream-like atmosphere.  Bond crashes the hang glider he's just flown over the top of a waterfall - like I say: Moonraker - and his attention is caught by a beautiful blonde woman in a flowing white dress.  He follows her, because he's James Bond, and ends up inside a Mayan temple (please note, the Mayan temple in the film was in Guatemala, and Bond crashed his glider in Brazil, but go with it).

It's an off-kilter mix of modern and ancient, man-made and natural.  Greenery on top of plasticky rocks.  A concrete roof over a waterfall.  And, round the edge of the pool, eight beautiful women to tempt 007.  The lead girl, the one in the flowing white robes, crosses a bridge over the pool and beckons for Bond to follow (in a nice Ken Adam in-joke, it looks just like the bridge that dropped Helga Brandt into the piranha pool in You Only Live Twice, and so 007 goes nowhere near it).  He ends up in the water anyway, attacked by a clearly stuffed anaconda, while the girls look on impassively.

It's their cool detachment that makes this scene all the better.  They stare, cold, unfeeling, perhaps with a hint of a smile.  It's great.

But some of the girls are greater than the others, so here's a completely awful and sexist ranking of which Siren is better than their peers.  I mean, they're all awesome, but some are just a little bit more awesome.

8.  Lady Victoria Devon

Yes, some of these girls actually have names, because they show up earlier in the film.  Lady Victoria here was listening to Drax's piano recital, though she's sent away before the cucumber sandwiches come out.  She's in last place because she's kind of dull, though well done to Drax for including gingers in his master race: very progressive.

7.  Asian Siren

Now, I call her "Asian Siren", but I'm not entirely sure if she is actually Asian or not.  She's certainly painted that way, but there's so much make-up on her it's difficult to tell.  She could be an entrant in a Japan-themed catwalk on RuPaul's Drag Race.  Which is a shame, because there's probably a very pretty girl under the fourteen pounds of mascara.

6.  Lead Siren

Also known as the receptionist at Venini Glass, where she is really badly dubbed.  There's something a little off about all the voices in Moonraker - practically every line has the slightly tinny air of being ADR'd in months later - but this one's terrible.  Not least because she's got a really strong French accent despite being in Venice.  She's at number 6 because it really annoys me that she gets to wear a big floaty dress while all the other girls are crammed into DraxCorp spacesuits.

5.  Museum Guide Siren 

Very pretty, and she's very good at her schtick in the museum.  (Incidentally, when she demonstrates the alarm on the glass bowl it's an infra-red system, but when Bond grabs it later, the alarm is based on there being weight on the pedestal, an entirely different system.  That annoys me every time).  She nods and smiles at Bond in a sort of "oh, I remember you!" kind of way, which is cute.  She also steps forward to get a better look when he's about to get crushed to death by a giant serpent, the sick bitch (this is not a complaint).

4.  Countess Libinski

LOOK AT THAT HAIR.  LOOK AT IT.  SO SHINY AND BEAUTIFUL.  I JUST WANT TO STROKE IT.

3.  Black Siren

Hugo Drax might be a fascist psychopath, but he's not a racist fascist psychopath, as this young lady demonstrates.  She's fierce as hell, and I want to know her skin care secrets.

2.  Mademoiselle Deladier

This girl gets second place for her transformation.  Look at her above: sweet, virginal, pure.  A face that could melt the coldest of hearts.

Once the anaconda attacks, however, she looks like this:

HOLY SHIT.  That is a flat-out evil stare.  She looks like she should be coaching an East German gymnastics team.  I'm a little bit terrified and a little bit in love.

1.  Big Hair Siren

There's something endearingly daffy about this girl, from the big, big hair down past the arched eyebrows and finishing at the smirk.  She looks fun.  I'd like to go out for a drink with this girl.  I bet after a few V&Ts she'll have her high heels over her shoulder and she'll be dishing out the gossip about all the other Sirens.

She's also incredibly disappointed when Bond survives.  Her chirpy joy at the prospect of seeing a man crushed until his eyeballs pop out is destroyed.  I hope she at least got to pop a few American astronauts on the space station before her inevitable demise.  That'll cheer her up.

Danny Boy

Last night I was watching Die Another Day on ITV.  Or rather, I watched it until my wine ran out, which was just after the parasailing, so I quite happily toddled off to bed before me got to Gustav Graves' Mecha Suit.

Anyway, despite having watched this film a thousand times since 2002, I noticed something odd in the titles.  Genius designer and, judging by his Skyfall and Spectre titles, borderline mad person Daniel Kleinman is also a highly regarded director of adverts and pop videos (it was his gorgeous vid for Gladys Knight's Licence to Kill that got him the Bond gig in the first place).  He's known to pretty much everyone in the industry as "Danny" Kleinman, but uses his proper name for his professional credits.

So what's this?

I went back to YouTube to check, and...

Did he feel suddenly free and easy?  Was he trying to appear friendly?  Was this the first sign of his breakdown?  Whatever it was, it's another thing to annoy me every time I watch Die Another Day.  Like I needed a new one.

Five Soundtrack Moments Where I Sing The Sound Effects

1.  Whisper Who Dares, Live and Let Die:

At 1:07, someone on FDR Drive honks their horn three times.  I sing this part.

2.  GoldenEye, GoldenEye:

At 2:07 on the soundtrack version of the title song, I make a "bang" noise.  This is because in the film, there's a gunshot during Danny Kleinman's titles.

3.  Bond Arrives In Rio, Moonraker:

At 0:26, one of the extravangant cars in Rio fires off one of those comedy horns that people used to have on their Capris.  I sing the four notes.

4.  Escape From Piz Gloria, On Her Majesty's Secret Service:

At 0:37, there's a brief lull in John Barry's score, which I fill by going "wee-wa, wee-wa", like the Piz Gloria siren.

5.  Never Say Never Again, Never Say Never Again:

As Lani Hall sings "you've got all the moves" at 1:46, I make the whistling noise of that frisbee thing Bond flings in the titles.

The Man With The Golden Statuette

Writing's On The Wall managed to snag itself an Oscar the other day, despite overwhelming critical indifference.  It also won the Golden Globe, making me wonder if "Bond themes" are the new "Disney songs" in terms of Academy voters just ticking a box without actually caring.  I'd be ok with this.  Actually I'd be more ok with it if it had started after Sam Smith and his high pitched squeals, but it seems Writing's On The Wall is the Bond theme that has been sent by the Gods to test my loyalty, so I'll grit my teeth and power through.

Bond movies do appallingly badly in all categories at the Oscars: they won two, then waited another forty seven years before winning another two (and one of those they had to share).  My personal theory about this is that Bond films take an American genre (the action film) and do it really well without needing any American technicians and actors i.e. the Academy voters.  This includes the music: a quick reminder that neither John Barry nor David Arnold received an Oscar nomination for their Bond music, and the only times the score was nominated (The Spy Who Loved Me and Skyfall), it was composed by an American.  Similarly, the Bond songs, one of the most famous parts of the 007 formula, have only been nominated when they've been written by an American (Nobody Does It Better and For Your Eyes Only) or when they've been written by a megastar the Academy can't really ignore (Paul McCartney and Adele).  (Sam Smith has sneaked in because it's a bad year, I feel).

It's made me wonder; did Bond themes deserve to be nominated?  What were the amazing songs that stopped Goldfinger or A View To A Kill from being in with a chance of winning a tiny naked gold man?  I've referred to Wikipedia and YouTube and Spotify to find out.

1962: Dr No.  Eligible songs: "Kingston Calypso", "Jamaica Jump Up", "Underneath the Mango Tree"

The nominees that year (I've underlined the winner):

"Days Of Wine And Roses" from Days of Wine and Roses -- Music by Henry Mancini; Lyrics by Johnny Mercer
"Love Song From Mutiny On The Bounty (Follow Me)" from Mutiny on the Bounty -- Music by Bronislau Kaper; Lyrics by Paul Francis Webster
"Song From Two For The Seesaw (Second Chance)" from Two for the Seesaw -- Music by Andre Previn; Lyrics by Dory Langdon
"Tender Is The Night" from Tender Is the Night -- Music by Sammy Fain; Lyrics by Paul Francis Webster
"Walk On The Wild Side" from Walk on the Wild Side -- Music by Elmer Bernstein; Lyrics by Mack David

Not a great start for the Bond movies, musically - none of Monty Norman's tunes are real classics.  They're certainly not as good as Days of Wine and Roses  or Tender Is The Night, a couple of standards.  I'm amused by the idea of there being a "Love Song from Mutiny On The Bounty", presumably charting the torrid shipboard lusts of Fletcher Christian and William Bligh.

1963: From Russia With Love.  Eligible song: "From Russia With Love".

"Call Me Irresponsible" from Papa's Delicate Condition -- Music by James Van Heusen; Lyrics by Sammy Cahn
"Charade" from Charade -- Music by Henry Mancini; Lyrics by Johnny Mercer
"It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" from It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World -- Music by Ernest Gold; Lyrics by Mack David
"So Little Time" from 55 Days at Peking -- Music by Dimitri Tiomkin; Lyrics by Paul Francis Webster
"More" from Mondo Cane -- Music by Riz Ortolani and Nino Oliviero; Lyrics by Norman Newell

Looking at these nominees it becomes clear why America rushed headlong into the Beatles' open arms.  From Russia With Love would have slotted in nicely alongside these jazz-influenced ballads performed by honey-voiced crooners.  I mean, did you know that Call Me Irresponsible was written the same year as I Want To Hold Your Hand?  There's an actual generation's gap between the two.

1964: Goldfinger.  Eligible song: "Goldfinger"

"Chim Chim Cher-ee" from Mary Poppins -- Music and Lyrics by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman
"Dear Heart" from Dear Heart -- Music by Henry Mancini; Lyrics by Jay Livingston and Ray Evans
"Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte" from Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte -- Music by Frank DeVol; Lyrics by Mack David
"My Kind Of Town" from Robin and the 7 Hoods -- Music by James Van Heusen; Lyrics by Sammy Cahn
"Where Love Has Gone" from Where Love Has Gone -- Music by James Van Heusen; Lyrics by Sammy Cahn

This is where we get into genuine snubs.  Chim Chim Cher-ee - ok, that's a proper classic.  Goldfinger probably shouldn't beat that for the Oscar (though personally I prefer Supercalifrajilisticexpialidocious).  The other songs though?  You could probably make a case for My Kind Of Town, but  Dear Heart?  Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte?  Even Radio 2 would reject them for being too staid and tedious.  Goldfinger was robbed of a slot on this list.

1965: Thunderball.  Eligible song: "Thunderball"

"The Ballad Of Cat Ballou" from Cat Ballou -- Music by Jerry Livingston; Lyrics by Mack David
"I Will Wait For You" from The Umbrellas of Cherbourg -- Music by Michel Legrand; Lyrics by Jacques Demy; English Lyrics by Norman Gimbel
"The Shadow Of Your Smile" from The Sandpiper -- Music by Johnny Mandel; Lyrics by Paul Francis Webster
"The Sweetheart Tree" from The Great Race -- Music by Henry Mancini; Lyrics by Johnny Mercer
"What's New Pussycat?" from What's New Pussycat? -- Music by Burt Bacharach; Lyrics by Hal David

What's this?  A couple of songs that actually sound like they're from the 1960s?  How did that happen?  Of course, the Oscar still went to a tedious croonathon, but What's New Pussycat? is a groovefest that it's hard not to love (and the reason Tom Jones got the Bond gig), while The Ballad of Cat Ballou is insane.  I Will Wait For You is heartbreaking, but Thunderball could have safely replaced the boring Sweetheart Tree and I doubt anyone would have complained.

1967: You Only Live Twice.  Eligible song: "You Only Live Twice"

"The Bare Necessities" from The Jungle Book -- Music and Lyrics by Terry Gilkyson
"The Eyes Of Love" from Banning -- Music by Quincy Jones; Lyrics by Bob Russell
"The Look Of Love" from Casino Royale -- Music by Burt Bacharach; Lyrics by Hal David
"Talk To The Animals" from Doctor Dolittle -- Music and Lyrics by Leslie Bricusse
"Thoroughly Modern Millie" from Thoroughly Modern Millie -- Music and Lyrics by James Van Heusen and Sammy Cahn

The presence of The Look of Love on this list must have been especially galling to Saltzman and Broccoli, though it's hard to argue You Only Live Twice is a better song.  YOLT is definitely a better song than Talk To The Animals, a dreadful piece of rubbish that won thanks to Fox basically ordering its employees to vote for it.  The Bond theme is certainly better than The Eyes of Love and Thoroughly Modern Millie, the theme to one of those horrible three hour long musicals that the studios kept pumping out at the tail end of the Sixties then wondered why no-one was going to the pictures any more.

1969: On Her Majesty's Secret Service.  Eligible songs: "We Have All The Time In The World", "Do You Know How Christmas Trees Are Grown?"

"Come Saturday Morning" from The Sterile Cuckoo -- Music by Fred Karlin; Lyrics by Dory Previn
"Jean" from The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie -- Music and Lyrics by Rod McKuen
"Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head" from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid -- Music by Burt Bacharach; Lyrics by Hal David
"True Grit" from True Grit -- Music by Elmer Bernstein; Lyrics by Don Black
"What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life?" from The Happy Ending -- Music by Michel Legrand; Lyrics by Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman

I'll whisper this, but I think We Have All The Time In The World is a bit overrated.  It's alright, but everyone falling over themselves to proclaim it a "forgotten classic" after it was in a beer advert means it's got a better reputation than it deserves.  It's certainly no Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head or What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life?, put it that way, two evergreens that deserve their nominations.  Meanwhile, folky drips take up the rest of the nominations, but they're surprisingly listenable.

1971: Diamonds Are Forever.  Eligible song: "Diamonds Are Forever"

"The Age Of Not Believing" from Bedknobs and Broomsticks -- Music and Lyrics by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman
"All His Children" from Sometimes a Great Notion -- Music by Henry Mancini; Lyrics by Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman
"Bless The Beasts & Children" from Bless the Beasts & Children -- Music and Lyrics by Barry DeVorzon and Perry Botkin, Jr.
"Life Is What You Make It" from Kotch -- Music by Marvin Hamlisch; Lyrics by Johnny Mercer
"Theme From Shaft" from Shaft -- Music and Lyrics by Isaac Hayes

Another classic Bond theme, but better than the Theme from Shaft?  Shut yo mouf!  I'll let The Age of Not Believing through as well, but the middle three songs are yet more tunes from another era that somehow managed to land in 1971.  Bland and unexciting, and certainly no match for the Bass at her finest.

1973: Live and Let Die.  Eligible song: "Live and Let Die"

"All That Love Went To Waste" from A Touch of Class -- Music by George Barrie; Lyrics by Sammy Cahn
"Live And Let Die" from Live and Let Die -- Music and Lyrics by Paul McCartney and Linda McCartney
"Love" from Robin Hood -- Music by George Bruns; Lyrics by Floyd Huddleston
"Nice To Be Around" from Cinderella Liberty -- Music by John Williams; Lyrics by Paul Williams
"The Way We Were" from The Way We Were -- Music by Marvin Hamlisch; Lyrics by Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman

An actual Bond theme makes the nominations!  And loses, but loses to The Way We Were, which was probably the right decision if we're honest.

1974: The Man With The Golden Gun.  Eligible song: "The Man With The Golden Gun"

"Benji's Theme (I Feel Love)" from Benji -- Music by Euel Box; Lyrics by Betty Box
"Blazing Saddles" from Blazing Saddles -- Music by John Morris; Lyrics by Mel Brooks
"Little Prince" from The Little Prince -- Music by Frederick Loewe; Lyrics by Alan Jay Lerner
"We May Never Love Like This Again" from The Towering Inferno -- Music and Lyrics by Al Kasha and Joel Hirschhorn
"Wherever Love Takes Me" from Gold -- Music by Elmer Bernstein; Lyrics by Don Black

Listen, I love The Man With The Golden Gun.  I think it's insane, which is always a good quality in a Bond theme.  Was it deserving of an Oscar nomination?  No.  Not even slightly.

1977: The Spy Who Loved Me.  Eligible song: "Nobody Does It Better"

"Candle On The Water" from Pete's Dragon -- Music and Lyrics by Al Kasha and Joel Hirschhorn
"Nobody Does It Better" from The Spy Who Loved Me -- Music by Marvin Hamlisch; Lyrics by Carole Bayer Sager
"The Slipper And The Rose Waltz (He Danced With Me/She Danced With Me)" from The Slipper and the Rose--The Story of Cinderella -- Music and Lyrics by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman
"Someone's Waiting For You" from The Rescuers -- Music by Sammy Fain; Lyrics by Carol Connors and Ayn Robbins
"You Light Up My Life" from You Light Up My Life -- Music and Lyrics by Joseph Brooks

Nobody Does It Better was robbed.  Absolute true fact.  Who even remembers You Light Up My Life these days?  A boring ballad from a film starring Didi Conn, for goodness's sake.  Though when you see what the Oscar producers did with Nobody Does It Better during the ceremony, their disdain is clear.

1979: Moonraker.  Eligible song: "Moonraker"

"I'll Never Say 'Goodbye'" from The Promise -- Music by David Shire; Lyric by Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman
"It Goes Like It Goes" from Norma Rae -- Music by David Shire; Lyric by Norman Gimbel
"It's Easy To Say" from 10 -- Music by Henry Mancini; Lyric by Robert Wells
"The Rainbow Connection" from The Muppet Movie -- Music and Lyric by Paul Williams and Kenny Ascher
"Through The Eyes Of Love" from Ice Castles -- Music by Marvin Hamlisch; Lyric by Carole Bayer Sager

Is there anything more Hollywood than a film about a rabble-rousing union leader having an Oscar-winning theme tune?  Not a great year, let's be honest, and there's no sign of disco or punk amongst these tinkly piano love themes.  Moonraker is my favourite Bond theme, and it would have slotted in amongst these other ballads quite easily, but you can equally see why it didn't.

1981: For Your Eyes Only.  Eligible song: "For Your Eyes Only"

"Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" from Arthur -- Music and Lyric by Burt Bacharach, Carole Bayer Sager, Christopher Cross and Peter Allen
"Endless Love" from Endless Love -- Music and Lyric by Lionel Richie
"The First Time It Happens" from The Great Muppet Caper -- Music and Lyric by Joe Raposo
"For Your Eyes Only" from For Your Eyes Only -- Music by Bill Conti; Lyric by Mick Leeson
"One More Hour" from Ragtime -- Music and Lyric by Randy Newman

The last time a Bond film would get an Oscar nomination for thirty one years, and it's easy to see why it lost.  Arthur's Theme is still a great mellow classic, though I'd have personally given it to Endless Love.

1983: Octopussy.  Eligible song: "All Time High"

"Flashdance...What A Feeling" from Flashdance -- Music by Giorgio Moroder; Lyric by Keith Forsey and Irene Cara
"Maniac" from Flashdance -- Music and Lyric by Michael Sembello and Dennis Matkosky
"Over You" from Tender Mercies -- Music and Lyric by Austin Roberts and Bobby Hart
"Papa, Can You Hear Me?" from Yentl -- Music by Michel Legrand; Lyric by Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman
"The Way He Makes Me Feel" from Yentl -- Music by Michel Legrand; Lyric by Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman

There's no way All Time High can compete with those two Flashdance classics; it's at least six or seven years behind, musically.  A deserved snubbing, here.  (And as for Never Say Never Again - good lord no).

1985: A View To A Kill.  Eligible song: "A View To A Kill"

"Miss Celie's Blues (Sister)" from The Color Purple -- Music by Quincy Jones and Rod Temperton; Lyric by Quincy Jones, Rod Temperton and Lionel Richie
"The Power Of Love" from Back to the Future -- Music by Chris Hayes and Johnny Colla; Lyric by Huey Lewis
"Say You, Say Me" from White Nights -- Music and Lyric by Lionel Richie
"Separate Lives (Love Theme From 'White Nights')" from White Nights -- Music and Lyric by Stephen Bishop
"Surprise, Surprise" from A Chorus Line -- Music by Marvin Hamlisch; Lyric by Edward Kleban

The winner is nothing; obviously a consolation prize for Lionel Ritchie because he's, you know, Lionel Ritchie, and they really should have given him an Oscar for Endless Love.  A View To A Kill could have slipped in here easily, probably knocking out that rubbish song from A Chorus Line, but good though it is, Huey Lewis beats Duran Duran in my book.

1987: The Living Daylights.  Eligible songs: "The Living Daylights" "If There Was A Man" "Where Has Every Body Gone?"

"(I've Had) The Time of My Life" – Dirty Dancing
– Music: Franke Previte, John DeNicola and Donald Markowitz • Lyrics: Franke Previte
"Shakedown" – Beverly Hills Cop II • Music: Harold Faltermeyer and Keith Forsey • Lyrics: Harold Faltermeyer, Keith Forsey and Bob Seger
"Cry Freedom" – Cry Freedom • Music and Lyrics: George Fenton and Jonas Gwangwa
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" – Mannequin • Music and Lyrics: Albert Hammond and Diane Warren
"Storybook Love" – The Princess Bride • Music and Lyrics: Willy DeVille

Dirty Dancing is not a touchstone film for me like it is for many others of my age; it's pretty dreadful for the most part.  But it really does come alive in that last dance number, so I'll have to say that (I've Had) The Time Of My Life deserved its victory.  Plus I like any song with (Unnecessary) Extra Clauses In Brackets.  Of The Living Daylights' three songs, If There Was A Man is probably most deserving of a spot here: the title track is just that little bit too weird, and Where Has Every Body Gone? is a bit repetitive.  In a thinner year, perhaps, but this year, no.

1989: Licence To Kill.  Eligible songs: "Licence To Kill" "Wedding Party" "Dirty Love" "If You Asked Me To"

"Under the Sea" – The Little Mermaid – Music: Alan Menken • Lyrics: Howard Ashman
"After All" – Chances Are • Music: Tom Snow • Lyrics: Dean Pitchford
"Kiss the Girl" – The Little Mermaid • Music: Alan Menkin • Lyrics: Howard Ashman
"I Love To See You Smile" – Parenthood • Music and Lyrics: Randy Newman
"The Girl Who Used To Be Me" – Shirley Valentine • Music: Marvin Hamlisch • Lyrics: Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman

Let's rule out Wedding Party and Dirty Love immediately, what with them being shit and all.  Licence To Kill's, ahem, "interesting" writing credits mean it probably wouldn't qualify as an "original" song anyway.  But If You Asked Me To, by perennial Oscar loser Diane Warren, is a genuine modern classic, and certainly better than The Randy Newman Song That Sounds Like Every Other Randy Newman Song or the duet between Cher and the inexplicable Peter Cetera.  It would have lost to the Disney juggernaut, but it deserved better (and it certainly deserved better than becoming famous thanks to C***** D***).

1995: GoldenEye.  Eligible songs: "GoldenEye" "The Experience of Love"

"Colors of the Wind" – Pocahontas – Music: Alan Menken • Lyrics: Stephen Schwartz
"Dead Man Walkin'" – Dead Man Walking • Music and Lyrics: Bruce Springsteen
"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" – Don Juan DeMarco • Music and Lyrics: Michael Kamen, Bryan Adams, and Robert John Lange
"Moonlight" – Sabrina • Music: John Williams • Lyrics: Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman
"You've Got a Friend in Me" – Toy Story • Music and lyrics: Randy Newman

This is the height of "give the Disney film the song award", as even a B-picture like Pocohontas walked away with the statuette.  None the less, it's a strong year, and GoldenEye was rightly overshadowed, not least because if you were going to give Bono an Oscar nomination that year, Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me was a better song (and, arguably, a better Bond theme).  Still that leaves The ExperiHAHAHAHAHA no.

1997: Tomorrow Never Dies.  Eligible songs: "Tomorrow Never Dies" "Surrender"

"My Heart Will Go On" – Titanic – Music: James Horner • Lyrics: Will Jennings
"Go the Distance" – Hercules • Music: Alan Menken • Lyrics: David Zippel
"How Do I Live" – Con Air • Music and Lyrics: Diane Warren
"Journey to the Past" – Anastasia • Music: Stephen Flaherty • Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens
"Miss Misery" – Good Will Hunting • Music and Lyrics: Elliott Smith

Sheryl Crow was definitely not going to win against C***** D***, was she?  Not in a million years.  It's probably about as good as some of the nominees here, but with two animated films, the ubiquitous Diane Warren power ballad, and a song from a Best Picture nominee, it never stood a chance of getting a slot.  Surrender is obviously the better song, but if they won't nominate the theme tune, the Academy are not going to nominate the also ran theme.

1999: The World Is Not Enough.  Eligible song: "The World Is Not Enough"

"You'll Be in My Heart" – Tarzan – Music and Lyrics: Phil Collins
"Save Me" – Magnolia • Music and Lyrics: Aimee Mann
"Music of My Heart" – Music of the Heart • Music and Lyrics: Diane Warren
"Blame Canada" – South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut • Music and Lyrics: Trey Parker and Marc Shaiman
"When She Loved Me" – Toy Story 2 • Music and Lyrics: Randy Newman

Phil Collins?  Really?  The World Is Not Enough was better than THAT.  Not better than When She Loved Me, which is one of the saddest songs in movie history, or Blame Canada.  Again though, I just don't feel that TWINE has the "umf" to push it over the line for an Oscar nominee.  It's a great song but just not great enough.  (If Only Myself To Blame had remained in the film, I think... it still wouldn't have been nominated).

2002: Die Another Day.  Eligible song: "Die Another Day"

"Lose Yourself" – 8 Mile – Music: Eminem, Jeff Bass, and Luis Resto • Lyrics: Eminem
"Burn It Blue" – Frida • Music: Elliot Goldenthal • Lyrics: Julie Taymor
"Father and Daughter" – The Wild Thornberrys Movie • Music and Lyrics: Paul Simon
"The Hands That Built America" – Gangs of New York • Music and Lyrics: Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen, Jr. (U2)
"I Move On" – Chicago • Music: John Kander • Lyrics: Fred Ebb

There is absolutely no way on earth that Madonna will ever receive an Academy Award nomination, whether she deserves one or not.  On this occasion, she didn't deserve one.  (Beautiful Stranger, back in 1999, however?  Absolutely).

2006: Casino Royale.  Eligible song: "You Know My Name"

"I Need to Wake Up" – An Inconvenient Truth – Music and Lyrics: Melissa Etheridge
"Listen" – Dreamgirls • Music: Henry Krieger and Scott Cutler • Lyrics: Anne Preven
"Love You I Do" – Dreamgirls • Music: Henry Krieger • Lyrics: Siedah Garrett
"Our Town" – Cars • Music and Lyrics: Randy Newman
"Patience" – Dreamgirls • Music: Henry Krieger • Lyrics: Willie Reale

Let's be honest, Dreamgirls didn't need to have THREE nominations here.  They could have easily pushed one aside for You Know My Name.  That's just selfish.

2008: Quantum of Solace.  Eligible song: "Another Way To Die"

"Jai Ho" – Slumdog Millionaire – Music: A. R. Rahman • Lyrics: Gulzar
"Down to Earth" – WALL-E • Music: Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman • Lyrics: Peter Gabriel
"O…Saya" – Slumdog Millionaire • Music and Lyrics: A. R. Rahman and M.I.A.

According to the Academy's rules, there weren't enough songs receiving high marks in 2008 to enable them to nominate five songs.  Which should be unfair to Another Way To Die, but... nah.  It's You Know My Name's shouty little brother, and is kind of a mess.

2012: Skyfall.  Eligible song: "Skyfall"

"Skyfall" – Skyfall – Music and Lyrics: Adele and Paul Epworth
"Before My Time" – Chasing Ice • Music and Lyrics: J. Ralph
"Everybody Needs a Best Friend" – Ted • Music: Walter Murphy • Lyrics: Seth MacFarlane
"Pi's Lullaby" – Life of Pi • Music: Mychael Danna • Lyrics: Bombay Jayashri
"Suddenly" – Les Misérables • Music: Claude-Michel Schönberg • Lyrics: Herbert Kretzmer and Alain Boublil

Yep, Skyfall actually won, and you know what?  It deserved to.  It's easily the best song there, interesting, distinctive, respectful of the Bond heritage but modern, and performed by a great artist.  Well done Adele.

2015: Spectre.  Eligible song: "Writing's On The Wall"

"Writing's on the Wall" – Spectre – Music and Lyrics: Jimmy Napes and Sam Smith
"Earned It" from – Fifty Shades of Grey • Music and Lyrics: Belly, Stephan Moccio, Jason "Daheala" Quenneville, and The Weeknd
"Manta Ray" – Racing Extinction • Music: J. Ralph • Lyrics: Anohni
"Simple Song #3" – Youth • Music and Lyrics: David Lang
"Til It Happens to You" – The Hunting Ground • Music and Lyrics: Lady Gaga and Diane Warren

This heap of crap, on the other hand?  Writing's On The Wall is not a good song, never mind a good Bond theme, NEVER MIND an Academy Award winner.  The other nominees weren't great - when you nominate two songs from documentaries, you're clearly reaching - but there were other film songs last year that were better than Sam Smith's dirge and should have taken their place.  Yes, for the one and only time on this list, I'm arguing for a Bond film to be removed from the Oscar nominations.  Please do better next time, Babs and Mickey.  Beyonce's desperate for an Oscar; give her a call.