Fifty years ago today George Lazenby turned up to the premiere of On Her Majesty's Secret Service in an unfortunate beard. It was the first sighting for a Bond film that has been forgotten then rediscovered over the decades.
It's been my favourite Bond film for over 30 years. It was the first I ever owned on VHS; before that I'd only seen them on the telly. I was curious about this 007 movie I'd never seen and only heard about so my mum and dad bought it for me for Christmas 1988. I instantly fell for it. I'd read the book a hundred times by then and this put it on the screen, while at the same time, making it better. It was action and romance and drama all in one amazing package. I loved it.
So here are what was going to be fifty reasons, but turned out to be more, off the top of my head, why On Her Majesty's Secret Service is the greatest Bond film in history.
1. Harry Saltzman & Albert R Broccoli Present. The clock's been reset; we're going back to the start.
2. Incredibly funky fuzzbox guitar in the Bond theme.
3. Dropping to one knee. Take THAT!
4. Radioactive lint. Possibly the stupidest gadget in the entire series. Who says this film isn't funny?
5. Tracy driving like a maniac.
6. Tracy's green frock, later seen on the Morecambe & Wise Show.
7. Seascape With Figures, but on the big screen.
8. The editing; fast, shocking, mad.
9. "This never happened to the other fellow." It's a wink and it's brilliant and if you think it's terrible you're a very boring person indeed.
10. That theme tune. So good they've been trying to do it again ever since.
11. Naked girls with erect nipples in front of the Union Jack forming a royal crest.
12. The dissolve to the CASINO sign in the pool.
13. That purple wallpaper on the stairs.
14. Bond's frilly shirt.
15. The little old lady at the baccarat table.
16. "Teresa was a saint, I'm known as Tracy."
17. Bond slapping Tracy.
18. A midget whistling Goldfinger.
19. Bond chucking a knife into a calendar and getting the wrong date deliberately.
20. Bond telling Draco to shove his million quid up his arse.
21. "Same old James... only more so!"
22. "What would I do without you Moneypenny? Thank you!" Britain's last line of defence indeed.
23. Tracy dressed as a ringmaster.
24. We Have All The Time In The World.
25. Gumbold's safe. (a) it's an incredibly tense sequence (b) the Playboy gag is great (c) that massive photocopier (d) it was cut out of the VHS, for some reason, so I didn't see it for years, and I still get a tiny ripple of excitement every time it shows up.
26. Quarterdeck!
27. M's butterfly collection.
28. A brief appearance of Luton Town on Campbell's newspaper.
29. Irma Bunt, the most glorious dumpy villainess the series has ever seen.
30. Piz Gloria; beautiful, inspiring, lonely on top of the mountain.
31. Every single one of the Angels of Death, but especially Angela Scoular, Catherine Von Schell, Joanna Lumley saying "of course I know what he's allergic to", Helena Ronee's big hair, and the way Sylvia Henriques eats a banana.
32. The room number on the inside thigh.
33. The bit of wood between the broken rubber escape technique.
34. "It's TRUE!"
35. Irma Bunt in Ruby's bed. You would genuinely shit yourself.
36. Blofeld's explanation of his plot; urbane, sophisticated, bonkers.
37. The way Blofeld smokes a fag with the lit end inside his hand.
38. The wrapping paper on the girls' presents.
39. Bond catching his cardigan on that bit of spiky artwork (foreshadowing!).
40. Bond's powder blue ski suit.
41. Opening the door onto the slopes and the music kicks in: bom, bom, bom, bom...
42. Skiing on one ski.
43. The cat's screech.
44. "We'll head him off at the precipice!"
45. Throttling that bloke with a ski.
46. Creepy polar bear man.
47. Tracy skating up to Bond at exactly the point he needs her because she is utterly magnificent.
48. Tracy doing all the driving in the car chase because, as I said, magnificent.
49. "I love you, and I know I'll never meet another girl like you. Will you marry me?"
50. George Lazenby being really fucking good here.
51. "Of Acacia Avenue, Tunbridge Wells."
52. The man falling into the snowplough and "he had lots of guts."
53. Blofeld kidnapping Tracy, which doesn't happen in the book, and means she's even more of a part of the story.
54. Bond seeing Tracy being dragged away in M's window.
55. Tracy's poem.
56. The helicopter attack on Piz Gloria being brutal and violent (people are incinerated!)
57. Bond sliding towards the camera while firing a machine gun as the James Bond theme plays.
58. Tracy fighting Gunther and winning.
59. "Spare the rod and spoil the child."
60. That acid burning a hole in the glass.
61. The way Bond pulls down those two pictures on the left so they slide behind one another.
62. The whole bobsleigh sequence, but especially that noise as Bond's head is dragged along the side of the wall.
63. Tracy's wedding outfit. Trousers!
64. M getting hammered with Marc-Ange.
65. Q being paternal.
66. "This time I've got the gadgets - and I know how to use them."
67. Moneypenny crying and catching Bond's hat. Oh God.
68. "Three girls, three boys."
69. Blofeld in a neck brace so it's Irma having to do the shooting.
70. A single perfect gunshot in Tracy's forehead.
71. "We'll be moving along soon. There's no hurry you see, we have all the time in the world."
72. Bond crying.
73. The tender music going into the loudest, boldest, brassiest version of the Bond theme you've ever heard.
74. Diamonds Are Forever.
75. Peter Hunt, Peter Hunt again, Richard Maibaum, Simon Raven, John Glen, John Barry, Syd Cain, Marjory Cornelius, George Lazenby, especially Diana Rigg, Telly Savalas, Ilse Steppat, George Baker, Gabrielle Ferzetti, and every single other element of this, the greatest James Bond film ever made.
