No Time To Live Twice

I saw No Time To Die for the third time today - Odeon again - and about the third time is when I stop just wallowing in a new Bond film and start actually processing it.  There were a bunch of things I noticed this time I hadn't seen before - though I kept forgetting to look at Nomi's name on Q's readout; does she have a surname or what? - but I also dwelled on all the bits of it that were taken from the novel of You Only Live Twice.  

As I wrote in this piece back in 2017 (wow, No Time To Die has taken forever to reach the screen, hasn't it?) You Only Live Twice is a pretty odd novel, preoccupied with death and decay and with a massive wodge of travelogue in the middle as 007 works his way through Japan.  Much of it is unlikely to ever make it to the screen, unless they can work out a way to get Bond spitting beer onto a cow's back into an action sequence, but there's still enough there to get picked over, and that's what No Time To Die does.  Here's the moments that I can think of.

• Bond is no longer 007, but is given a new number (in the book he becomes 7777, while when he first returns to MI6 and the Double O's in the film Nomi is still 007 and we're not told what number he becomes)
• The Bond Girl has James Bond's baby (within the story in the film, after it in the novel; the Raymond Benson story Blast from the Past posits that his name is James Suzuki and he's murdered by Irma Bunt.  Like a lot of Raymond Benson's writing, it is terrible).
• The villain's headquarters is on a remote island near Japan.
• The villain has a poisonous garden full of plants that can kill (this feature was particularly exciting to see onscreen, though I wish they could've found room for the piranha pool as well).
• When Bond throttles Blofeld, he hisses "Die, Blofeld, die!", although unlike in the book he doesn't strangle him to death.
• M repeats Mary Goodnight's epitaph for Bond - "I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them; I shall use my time."
• Is it stretching things to say that Safin's secret trapdoor exit is reminiscent of the oubliette in Blofeld's castle?

And then there's the ending.  I've made peace with No Time To Die's controversial finish by telling myself they're doing You Only Live Twice and the next book will start like The Man With The Golden Gun.  In the novel, Bond is hit by a bit of debris as he escapes Blofeld's exploding castle and it gives him amnesia.  Kissy Suzuki convinces him he is her husband, and they live happily together for a few months, until he sees the word Vladivostok on a bit of newspaper they use for loo roll and it rings a bell.  The novel ends on a cliffhanger with Bond heading off to Russia to find out more about himself.  At the start of the next novel, The Man With The Golden Gun, we learn he was picked up by the Russians and brainwashed into being their agent.  They send him back to London with a gas gun to murder M.

Here's how you can get out of No Time To Die's ending and into Bond 26.  One of those two ships that are headed for the island finds a battered, barely clinging to life, brain damaged Bond.  They take him away with them to Russia or wherever (the film is careful not to tell us where those two ships are actually coming from; they could be from Russia, or perhaps North Korea, or perhaps Quantum is back).  There's your pre-titles.  He's rebuilt - lots of plastic surgery, cough cough - under the title sequence (a la Die Another Day) then he arrives at MI6 and tries to kill M.  Deprogramme him (Sir James Molony!) then send 007 off to get revenge on the people who tried to turn him against Queen and Country.  This also means that he can either (a) forget all about Madeline and Mathilde because of the brain damage or (b) live with the eternal pain of never being able to see them because of the nanobots.  I'd prefer (a). 

They probably won't do any of that.  They'll probably just start all over again.  But until I see Bond 26, this is the story I've written in my head to stop me getting very annoyed indeed by the end of No Time To Die.  And I'm putting it down on the internet so when Bond is hanging out in a brothel in Sav'la'Mar with a possibly homosexual assassin and a girl with a pet bird you'll all know I was right.   

Roughly Everything That Went Through My Head During No Time To Die

This is a very rough, off the top of my head, not necessarily entirely accurate, not necessarily in the right order, run down of my thought processes while watching the first IMAX showing of No Time To Die at the Liverpool Odeon yesterday morning.  Spoilers abound, obviously.

1. You know, MGM might not be in such a terrible financial state all the time if they didn't keep changing their logo.
2. Get off the screen Universal, this isn't about you!
3. No blood in the gunbarrel?
4. Tamagotchi!
5. This is like some dark French drama that has wandered into a Bond film.
6. It's the Wrong Trousers, Gromit!
7. How old is Madeline meant to be?  And how old is Safin meant to be?
8. Was he wearing a bulletproof vest or did she just miss anything important?
9. Let her drown.
10. That Italian coast looks an awful lot like Jamaica.
11. You take we all the time in the world out of your mouth, that belongs to George Lazenby.
12. This is very pretty.
13. I was going on holiday close to here in 2020.  Sigh.
14. "He had come a long way since then, dodged many bullets and much death and loved many girls, but there had been a drama and poignancy about that particular adventure that every year drew him back to Royale and to its casino and to the small granite cross in the churchyard that simply said 'Vesper Lynd. RIP.'"
15. Although that's a bit more than a granite cross.
16. That made me jump.
17. James Bond's ears must be fucked if this happens every time he's near an explosion.
18. Is that henchman hot?
19. Didn't expect that.  Is his eyeball on a spring?
20. Are we getting the title sequence at any point?
21. This is a properly good car chase.
22. Fuck, didn't expect that crash.
23. It feels a bit weird that Bond is allowed to drive around Europe with this lethal arsenal now he's not a spy any more.
24. That spin shoot thing was good.
25. Yeah, dump her on the train, stuff her.
26. Finally the titles.  Not as bonkers as usual.
27. They cut it off after the big note.  Good.
28. Hugh Dennis!
29. It's a 21st century Kutze.
30. I'm not entirely sure what's going on.
31. There's a lot of people dying.
32. Magnets!  Ok that's delightfully bonkers.
33. Moneypenny!
34. OK, those shorts are a bit tight.
35. Who is paying for this Jamaican bolt hole?  Does MI6 really pay that much that you can retire on it?
36. Someone's been in your house James, are you not more bothered?
37. Billy Magnussen is very pretty.
38. Aw, I like that they're having a good time.  Although I don't understand the game.
39. This is the wildest nightclub in the history of the Bond films.
40. Are they line dancing?
41. Nomi's doing an accent!
42. I love that she's wearing fake hair.
43. Of course she's 007.
44. I like the little wave.  Cocky.
45. Paloma missing picking up her handbag continues to annoy me.
46. Oh she's new.
47. Oh she's amazing.
48. I love Paloma completely.
49. There's the sex traffic woman!
50. Don't they recognise James Bond?
51. An eye on a cushion?  Is this the Addams Family?
52. Those sores are pretty grisly.
53. No, I really, really love Paloma.
54. Where are all these men coming from?
55. Pushing him out the car made me laugh.
56. Surely they're not going to just arrest Nomi?
57. Clever girl.
58. No Paloma, stay!  Come back!
59. No!  Not Billy Magnussen!
60. Did he just shoot Felix?
61. This is a bit brutal.
62. Fuck you, scientist man.
63. They're not going to kill Felix, surely?  Is this their version of feeding him to the sharks?
64. They killed Felix! 
65. Oh there just happens to be a lifeboat nearby.  That's handy.
66. But does he have a Vantage because he used to be Timothy Dalton, or did he just buy one?  Actually that car got blown up, never mind.
67. James Bond with a Visitor pass.
68. "I can see why you shot him."
69. Blofeld's in Belmarsh.  I love that they say Belmarsh like everyone should know what it is.
70. Q's flat is lovely.
71. Q IS A GAY!  OFFICIALLY!
72. Never mind all this, tell your date you can't make it.
73. They're drinking Q's romance wine.
74. The Albert Bridge, the only bridge in London.
75. Is that On Her Majesty's Secret Service in the background?
76. How have I been so thick not to realise who Blofeld's psychiatrist was going to be?
77. She just takes on a new patient without knowing his name, his background, nothing.
78. Are they going to explain that face?
79. She's going to poison Blofeld then.
80. Shake his hand you miserable cow.
81. I like Blofeld's little train.
82. Is Blofeld better or worse this time around?
83. Fuck off with the cuckoo.
84. "Die Blofeld! Die!"
85. Oh, he did.  Good.
86. Really underlines how pointless it was bringing back SPECTRE and Blofeld.  Fucking John Logan.
87. At least they twigged Madeline was responsible.
88. Nanobots?!?!
89. Bond is always three degrees away from sci-fi and it's at its best when it is.
90. So has Madeline kept this place all this time as a summer home and just not mentioned it? 
91. Oh no.
92. Please don't give a shit about the little girl.
93. "She's not yours" - yes, maintain this mystery, so Bond can fuck her off.
94. Although Kissy Suzuki had a baby, didn't she?
95. Mathilde is perfectly fine with Mummy shagging some new bloke then.
96. Why does Mathilde only speak French when she was presumably brought up in London?  Does everyone know Madeline has a child or has she kept her in a cupboard somewhere?
97. Secret islands.  Lovely.
98. There's something wonderful about knowing that a massive car chase is about to start.
99. That didn't take long.
100. More cars!  And a helicopter!  This is glorious.
101. It's turned into Jurassic Park.
102. This is really good.
103. That's a great way to kill him.  Proper nasty.
104. She's not going to drop her toy and leave it behind is she?
105. What was Nomi doing all this time?  Was she having lunch?  Poor show.  She's far too competent to be half an hour behind everyone else.
106. Is she going to drive the car onto the plane?
107. At least this means they're not going to kill Nomi so Bond gets the 007 back.  But what number is she?  Make her 008!  She can replace Bond all the time!
108. A poison garden!  They are doing You Only Live Twice!
109. Let Mathilde touch the poison flowers, whatever.
110. I love this glider thing.
111. Handy they had a secret underground dock that nobody was looking at.
112. Wasn't this electromagnetic watch in one of the computer games?
113. This island base is wonderful.  Ken Adam bonkersness plus plain weirdness.
114. Yes Nomi, smack him one!
115. Why is he putting the mask on the screen, that means nothing to anyone except Madeline.
116. He's not going to just leave Nomi there, is he?
117. Oooh, very zen.
118. So is he just going to wipe people out?  Is there a pattern to it?  Is there a reason?  DID SAFIN DO COVID?!?!
119. This bowing down is a bit much.
120. Comedy trapdoor!
121. So that's it, one bite and you send her running off on her own?  I hope she's full of nanobots.
122. She was under the table!  Fuck off.
123. Go Nomi!  Kill the racist!
124. Has anyone actually said "No Time To Die"?
125. So they're going to just send all the girls off in a boat?  Even Nomi?  Wouldn't she be a great help?
126. Ah those blast doors.
127. There are literally millions of goons in this place.
128. Exploding eye!  Amazing.
129. And a quip!  I miss quips.
130. It's closing again.
131. Those gunshots looked a bit close.
132. Broken arm!  Fucking hell.
133. Ah, so Bond is now infected with the nanobots, so he can never see Madeline or Mathilde again!  Good.
134. He just shot Safin?  Oh.  I thought he was going to drown him in that pool.
135. No, he should've laid in the pool, still alive but unable to move, then when the blast doors opened he'd fall through into the poison pool and disintegrate. 
136. Bond is properly hurt.
137. Oh whatever, Madeline's rubbish anyway.
138. Trying to imagine what Nomi is saying to Mathilde in the background.
139. That rooftop looks very close to the blast site.
140. Fuck off.
141. They can't kill Bond.
142. He'll come back right?
143. Fuck off.
144. "I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them; I shall use my time."  Wonderful.  If wrong.
145. Fuck off Madeline.
146. Is this the original or have they got someone modern to sing it?
147. It's the original!  No!  THIS BELONGS TO BOND AND TRACY.
148. Fuck off.
149. I hate that ending.
150. And where's James Bond Will Return?
151. Fuck off.
152. Although thinking about it, if they are doing You Only Live Twice, then that ends with Bond off to Russia.  And this island is close to Russia.  Maybe they're doing that.
153. Maybe the next one will start with 007 returning brainwashed and trying to kill M.  
154. I don't want them to start all over again again.
155. Maybe they should get Daniel Craig to do another one, just to untangle the mess.
156. Where's the fucking James Bond Will Return?
157. THANK FUCK FOR THAT.