The question of "who is the best James Bond?" is one that will never be answered. There's enough difference between each of the six* actors to play the part to make comparisons irrelevant. Daniel Craig lacks the lightness of touch to make Octopussy a success; the bored, overweight Connery of You Only Live Twice would have ruined On Her Majesty's Secret Service; acting novice George Lazenby would have been flummoxed by the rigours of Casino Royale. They are very different men in very different films.
I am here to judge them on a very different criteria. I have boarded a lift to the top of a very tall building, and a James Bond actor has got on the lift with me. Halfway up, the elevator becomes stuck, and we realise that we are trapped there for several hours until help arrives. Which James Bond actors would make this time fly, and which ones would make me lever open the doors and risk leaping down the shaft? It is, in short, a judgement on the public personas of the actors, built up over my three decades of Bond fandom. It's very personal, it might be completely wrong, but here are how I'd rate the 007s, from worst to best:
6. George Lazenby
I genuinely believe that Lazenby regrets a lot of his arrogant behaviour on the set of OHMSS, and age and maturity will have certainly mellowed him over the decades. He still seems like a bit of a self-centred arse though - ask Pam Shriver - and he'd almost inevitably want to talk about his real estate empire in our elevator prison rather than, say, sharing filthy anecdotes about Telly Savalas.
5. Pierce Brosnan
I have long had the impression that no-one, in any room, is as interesting to Pierce Brosnan as Pierce Brosnan himself. Our hours together would almost inevitably be spent discussing Brosnan's paintings, his charity work, his acting training, his devotion to his craft, his house in Malibu, his cooking skills... If he did mention Bond, it'd be the fascinating story about how Goldfinger was the first film he ever saw. Again. I'd probably be asleep when the fire crews arrived.
4. Sean Connery
This one's on a knife edge, because it very much depends what mood Sean's in when we get trapped together. If it's the funny, rollicking Sean, the one that laughs and jokes and twinkles mischievously, then you could have a really good time. However, as he's aged, the other Sean seems to be more common, the grouchy one who bangs on about taxation and Scottish independence and how awful everyone on The League of Extraordinary Gentleman was. That would be absolute hell. (There is a third option, where you get the Sean Connery who talks about golf, and in many ways that would be the worst Sean Connery of all).
3. Daniel Craig
I have long maintained that Daniel Craig has a very sly, very dark sense of humour. I bet he's a really good laugh after a few pints of beer, and he certainly seems to be well-respected by his peers which points to a good personality. However, in the enclosed, airless environment of a trapped lift, jet black jokes about us plummeting to our deaths would quickly wear thin.
2. Roger Moore
Obviously, Sir Rog is an absolute doll. No-one who has ever spent more than five minutes with him has a bad word to say; indeed, if people don't get along with him, you judge them. The problem is that lovely as he is, he has perfected a certain shtick, particularly in the last twenty years, which he will almost certainly wheel out. Imagine the social awkwardness of maintaining a fixed grin as Moore wheels out the Jimmy Tarbuck/Pussy Galore "well, we don't go looking for it!" anecdote again.
1. Timothy Dalton
Another actor who is, by all reports, an absolute sweetheart, Dalton has the advantage over Moore of a certain quiet shyness. Time in the trapped lift would Tim would be less of a rollicking laugh fest, but would be more interesting, and his jokes and anecdotes would be unexpected and appreciated. He also has a calmness that would mean you wouldn't get stressed or panicky. The fact that the boy from Colwyn Bay is also my favourite 007 is pure coincidence.
*If forced to include the unofficial Bonds, David Niven would slot in between Daniel Craig, because that effervescent wit is never unwelcome, while Barry Nelson would go at the bottom of the list because, bless him, once you've asked about Peter Lorre and Stanley Kubrick, what else would you talk about?
