Now I've got that out the way, I'm going to totally do it. The Siren sequence in Moonraker is a weird moment in an already out-there movie. But while other strange sequences involve odd gadgets or misfiring humour or bird life expressing amazement at a hovercraft, the Siren sequence stands out for its dream-like atmosphere. Bond crashes the hang glider he's just flown over the top of a waterfall - like I say: Moonraker - and his attention is caught by a beautiful blonde woman in a flowing white dress. He follows her, because he's James Bond, and ends up inside a Mayan temple (please note, the Mayan temple in the film was in Guatemala, and Bond crashed his glider in Brazil, but go with it).
It's an off-kilter mix of modern and ancient, man-made and natural. Greenery on top of plasticky rocks. A concrete roof over a waterfall. And, round the edge of the pool, eight beautiful women to tempt 007. The lead girl, the one in the flowing white robes, crosses a bridge over the pool and beckons for Bond to follow (in a nice Ken Adam in-joke, it looks just like the bridge that dropped Helga Brandt into the piranha pool in You Only Live Twice, and so 007 goes nowhere near it). He ends up in the water anyway, attacked by a clearly stuffed anaconda, while the girls look on impassively.
It's their cool detachment that makes this scene all the better. They stare, cold, unfeeling, perhaps with a hint of a smile. It's great.
But some of the girls are greater than the others, so here's a completely awful and sexist ranking of which Siren is better than their peers. I mean, they're all awesome, but some are just a little bit more awesome.
8. Lady Victoria Devon
Yes, some of these girls actually have names, because they show up earlier in the film. Lady Victoria here was listening to Drax's piano recital, though she's sent away before the cucumber sandwiches come out. She's in last place because she's kind of dull, though well done to Drax for including gingers in his master race: very progressive.
7. Asian Siren
Now, I call her "Asian Siren", but I'm not entirely sure if she is actually Asian or not. She's certainly painted that way, but there's so much make-up on her it's difficult to tell. She could be an entrant in a Japan-themed catwalk on RuPaul's Drag Race. Which is a shame, because there's probably a very pretty girl under the fourteen pounds of mascara.
6. Lead Siren
Also known as the receptionist at Venini Glass, where she is really badly dubbed. There's something a little off about all the voices in Moonraker - practically every line has the slightly tinny air of being ADR'd in months later - but this one's terrible. Not least because she's got a really strong French accent despite being in Venice. She's at number 6 because it really annoys me that she gets to wear a big floaty dress while all the other girls are crammed into DraxCorp spacesuits.
5. Museum Guide Siren
Very pretty, and she's very good at her schtick in the museum. (Incidentally, when she demonstrates the alarm on the glass bowl it's an infra-red system, but when Bond grabs it later, the alarm is based on there being weight on the pedestal, an entirely different system. That annoys me every time). She nods and smiles at Bond in a sort of "oh, I remember you!" kind of way, which is cute. She also steps forward to get a better look when he's about to get crushed to death by a giant serpent, the sick bitch (this is not a complaint).
4. Countess Libinski
LOOK AT THAT HAIR. LOOK AT IT. SO SHINY AND BEAUTIFUL. I JUST WANT TO STROKE IT.
3. Black Siren
Hugo Drax might be a fascist psychopath, but he's not a racist fascist psychopath, as this young lady demonstrates. She's fierce as hell, and I want to know her skin care secrets.
2. Mademoiselle Deladier
This girl gets second place for her transformation. Look at her above: sweet, virginal, pure. A face that could melt the coldest of hearts.
Once the anaconda attacks, however, she looks like this:
HOLY SHIT. That is a flat-out evil stare. She looks like she should be coaching an East German gymnastics team. I'm a little bit terrified and a little bit in love.
1. Big Hair Siren
There's something endearingly daffy about this girl, from the big, big hair down past the arched eyebrows and finishing at the smirk. She looks fun. I'd like to go out for a drink with this girl. I bet after a few V&Ts she'll have her high heels over her shoulder and she'll be dishing out the gossip about all the other Sirens.
She's also incredibly disappointed when Bond survives. Her chirpy joy at the prospect of seeing a man crushed until his eyeballs pop out is destroyed. I hope she at least got to pop a few American astronauts on the space station before her inevitable demise. That'll cheer her up.
